


Bleeding Love

by GoldOnTheCeiling



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Weddings, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-01-12 21:13:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1200878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldOnTheCeiling/pseuds/GoldOnTheCeiling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nightmare: a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.</p>
<p>Or in other words, Arthur's getting married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Invitation

 Merlin felt the bile rise in his throat as he read the wedding invitation and dropped it on the kitchen table.   He left it there as it would allow Gwen to see it when she got back in from work.  It was meant to be for her anyway.   

Merlin sluggishly marched back to his room and let himself fall onto his bed so he could lay there staring at the wall.   _The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of Mithian Nemeth and Arthur Pendragon_.  Even just thinking about it made him sick.  The feeling only grew stronger as time went on and he thought about a mere few years ago when Arthur used to hold his hand and kiss him when no one was looking.  They’d dated for most of their time in uni.  Only their closest friends knew about it, but for Merlin it was still a very serious relationship and one of the best times of his life.  His mind drifted from the day they met, to the first time they kissed, to the nights he would spend at Arthur’s …  All his mind could seem to do was race through all of his memories of Arthur. 

 

That’s when he hears the front door slam.  He doesn’t bother moving as he listens to Gwen’s pitter-patter downstairs.  After a minute or two, there’s a pause in the various noises, which is immediately followed by the sound of Gwen’s footsteps racing up the staircase.  He knows she’s seen the invitation. 

He looks to Gwen as she appears in the doorframe across from his bed.  She stares at Merlin expectantly but all he does is stare back as he sobs into his pillow.  He doesn’t bother trying to hide the tears running down his face.    

“So he’s getting married” she says as she makes her way over to his bed.  She proceeds to push him over to make room for her to lie down next to him.  Once she’s settled she wraps her arms around Merlin’s body as she lets him cry into her shoulder.  They let the room hang in a comfortable silence as he continues to weep.  He just needs her there and she knows that.

 

After a long while, when Merlin’s tears have started to slow, Gwen gets up and starts to leave before she pauses at the door and turns back to Merlin.  “Come.  I’ll make you tea” she offers.  She leaves before Merlin can answer.  He doesn’t need to really; he’s always down for a good cuppa.  Merlin heads to the bathroom before anything else.  He scoffs as he looks in the mirror.  He’s still dressed in his scrubs from his shift at the hospital, there are streams parading down his face from all the tears, and his hair is hopelessly tangled and twisted.  Merlin jumps in the shower and puts on a pair of his most comfortable track bottoms before heading downstairs.  Gwen and his tea are waiting for him.

 

~~~~~~

 

The next few days move slowly.  Merlin isn’t mentally present throughout most of his day, jutting around in his malaise.  Doctor Gaius even comments on his uncharacteristic silence but he can’t help it.  His mind can’t stop racing. 

Merlin would like to think it’s a relief when Saturday comes and he doesn’t have work at the hospital but that isn’t the case at all.  Merlin usually loves his days off but now its tainted from all of Merlin’s thoughts.  With nothing to do but think, Merlin finds himself on the couch looking through old magazines when the phone rings. 

            “Hello?” Merlin answers the phone as he presses it to his ear.

            “Umm Hi” an anxious voice greets.  “Is this Merlin?”

            “Yes…” Merlin states hesitantly before adding “and to whom am I speaking with?”  At that Merlin hears a sigh of relief.

            “It’s Gwaine, you old bag!  How are you mate?

“Good, good.  And yourself?”  Merlin finds the conversation forced and a bit awkward.   That never happens with Gwaine.  The man could talk to the wall for crying out loud.  In uni, Merlin even found out that Gwaine talks to himself, and quite a bit too. 

“Never better!”  Gwaine says.  And then the conversation stops.  No one is talking.  Merlin waits but the only thing that comes through the phone is an “ummmm.” 

Merlin gets annoyed quickly before asking “What is it, Gwaine?”

Gwaine takes a deep breath before speaking up.  “I don’t know if you’d heard, mate, but Arthur’s getting married.” 

Relief spills over Merlin.  That’s all.  Gwaine had been worried about him.  Of course, Merlin felt awful and could barely keep down his lunch, but he wasn’t gonna tell Gwaine that.  “Oh yeah, I knew that” Merlin says. “Thanks for checking in mate.”

“Yeah.”  That’s all Gwaine says and then there’s silence again.  And that’s when Merlin realizes.  There’s more. 

Merlin doesn’t rush Gwaine this time.  He just waits for it.

“I wanted you to go with me” Gwaine whispers. 

_Fuck._

_No.  No.  No fucking way._ He can’t.  Doesn’t Gwaine know that? 

And even worse, Gwaine will probably be in the fucking bridal party for crying out loud.  Gwaine played footie in Uni with Arthur and Merlin _knows_ they stayed in touch.  How could Gwaine even ask? 

“Gwaine…”  Merlin closes his eyes as he whispers it.  It’s all he can manage to say at the thought of going to the wedding.  He could barely handle thinking about it, but being there?  Seeing it?

“I know.  I know.”  Gwaine coos.  “At least think about it, yeah?  That’s all I ask.  Just give it some thought.”

“I don’t know.  I’ll try” Merlin says horsely before he hangs up.  He knows he’s not going to. 

 

~~~~~~

 

“Are you gonna go?”

“Of course not.  Why should I go?” he splutters. 

“Well, you’d be lucky to go.  It’ll be a very rich wedding.  Think of the food they’ll have and how pretty everyone will look.  It’ll be good fun.  We could all go together.” she quips jovially.  Merlin chuckles hollowly as he stirs his soup. 

 _That would be nice_ Merlin thinks, and if it was anyone else’s wedding, it would be.  But at _his_ wedding?  NO.  Merlin wants to puke at the thought of it.

“You can’t leave me there alone.  What am I to do without you?”

He starts fiddling with his fingers, staring down at them while speaking.  “I don’t know Gwen.  I don’t think I could handle that…seeing them…together” he chokes.  When he looks up Gwen is just nodding and smiling with that smile.   The one that says _I’m sorry_ and _I wish things were different._   Merlin wants to tell her not to smile at him like that because it makes him feel just so pathetic.  But Gwen doesn’t mean to be like that, so he sits quiet.     

“Well at least promise me a maybe” Gwen compromises.  All Merlin can bring himself to do is feign a smile and nod a little but, thankfully, Gwen being the marvelous human being that she is, accepts it.

“That’s the spirit” she says turning back to the sugar cookies she’d been making.   Gwen continues speaking with her back now turned to Merlin.  “And who knows?  Maybe Freya will be there!  Maybe you two will be able to rekindle your deep affectionate love for each other!”

That manages to draw a small, but real, laugh out from Merlin.  Gwen turns around to laugh with him.  He’d only dated the girl during sixth form to try and hide the fact that he was gay.  They’d been good friends and well… she had been single.  They hadn’t spoken since the break up. 

 

~~~~~~

 

            It’s two weeks later when Lance calls Merlin and Gwen’s house.  Merlin answers and instinctively responds to Lance’s hello with “I’ll get Gwen” but before he can, Lance interrupts him.

            “No, no.  I was actually looking for you.  I was hoping that you could come over for a beer later?”

            Merlin hesitates.  Lance is his friend.  His good friend.  Maybe even his best friend beside Gwen, but they haven’t hung out together alone in ages.  Ever since he and Gwen started dating it had been natural for him to hang out with both of them.  Something’s up. 

 

~~~~~~

 

            Merlin knocks on Lance’s apartment door and it opens up immediately.  Like before Merlin’s finished knocking immediately.  Lance ushers Merlin in anxiously and offers him a beer, which he takes.  He could really use it right now.  Lance of course never forgets his manners and as they sit down in Lance’s living room, he asks about Merlin and about the hospital and about Dr. Gauis.  Merlin tells him that everything is good and bullshits his way through.  God forbid he’s ever real for once.

            Merlin finishes up and asks how Lance is and Lance of course, responds with “Good.”  But Merlin doesn’t buy it at all.  Lance is smiling but he’s jittery.  His foot is tapping and he’s leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, as if he can’t just lean back and relax. Lance never acts like this.  Lance is always calm, collected.  The only time he’s ever seen Lance nervous was the day he asked out Gwen.  Merlin can’t take it. 

            “Lance, what’s up with you?”  Lance laughs.  He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out so takes a deep breath and tries again.  Again, Lance opens his mouth but no words come out.  He just sits there smiling as his feet tap dance in place.  Then Lance shoves his fist into his pocket and pulls something out before placing it on the coffee table. 

            A ring.  A diamond ring, and the most beautiful that Merlin’s ever seen outside of a museum.  Seriously it looks like it should belong to the Queen.  Merlin smiles and he can feel his eyes crinkle as he jumps on top of Lance and hugs him.  Lance is finally proposing to Gwen!  Merlin laughs with Lance.  It’s the most he’s laughed, or even smiled, in weeks and he knows it.  After the laughter dies a little, Merlin takes his friend by his jacket as he shouts “When? When!”

            Lance just shakes his head as he sighs happily.  “I don’t know, I really don’t.  Just waiting for the moment.”  Merlin just nods.  He wants it to happen soon, and it could.  But Lance is a perfectionist and he is going to make this moment brilliant.  It could be weeks before Lance decides that the moment has arrived.  Merlin stays as Lance discusses everything with him.  Lance wants a fall wedding, and he knows Gwen will too.  Lance wants to move into the house where Merlin and Gwen live now.  He says its perfect.  The house is in London, it’s nice but not too expensive.  Merlin doesn’t share that the house isn’t that expensive because they rent it from Gauis.  He offers that Merlin can stay for however long he wants but Merlin would never stay with a married couple, no matter how good the rent was.  He decides to keep that to himself as well.  Lance continues to talk as the hours pass.

            By the time dusk comes they sit in comfortable silence together.  Merlin holds his sixth beer as he smiles at the ring on the table.  It’s the best thing in his life right now and it’s not even for him.   Merlin continues to smile as he enjoys the silence and lets the beer do its work.

            Lance’s voice startles Merlin a little when he speaks.  “I spoke to Gwaine yesterday” is all he says.  He looks at Merlin, waiting for a response.

            “Oh,”  It’s the only thing Merlin can think to say.

            “You should go” Lance says. 

            “Why so Gwen will have someone decent to talk to?” Merlin teases.

            “No.  Stick it to him.  Show the bastard what he’s missed out on all these years!”  Merlin looks up, shocked.  Lance may be Merlin’s friend but he’s Arthur’s too.  They played footie together at uni.  Lance was the one who introduced Merlin to Arthur in the first place.

            Merlin doesn’t say anything so Lance continues.  “I’ve never forgiven him for what he did to you, you know.  When you came to my dorm that night, when he broke it off?  I almost beat the bloke to a bloody pulp.  God, when he chose her, that Mithian, over _you_?  I could kill him.  She’s nice but she’s not you, Merlin.” 

            Merlin waits but Lance says nothing else.  “Thanks, Lance” he mutters in response but that’s all he can say.  If he really lets himself think… well Lance doesn’t deserve to deal with the tears, so Merlin won’t go there.  Merlin just stares at the ring until his thoughts stop coming. 

 

 

~~~~~~

 

            The next morning Merlin wakes up on Lance’s couch with a sore back.  He probably should’ve made use of Lance’s guest room but whatever.  He looks around but no one seems to be in.  The clock reads 12:24 p.m..  If he’d had work today he would be so late and his ass would be toast.  He hears the front door open as he pops a couple of Tylenol for his back (and maybe for the slight hangover that his lightweight ass is suffering from).  He turns around to see Lance standing there in his work out clothes.  As if Lance can’t get any more perfect, he goes to the gym every morning.  Lance smiles when he sees him.

            “Enjoy the couch, Sleeping Beauty?”  Merlin just chuckles in response.  The two have breakfast together before Merlin starts to get ready to head back to his place.  Merlin hugs Lance goodbye and heads to the door, but before he gets there, he feels a hand on his wrist.  “Merlin, think about what I said last night.  Think of Gwaine.  He didn’t ask you by accident, Merl.  He’d really appreciate you going.  No one’s gonna blame you if you don’t go, but you can’t let Arthur get away with being such a prick.”  Merlin just nods and gives Lance a small smile before leaving.  On the walk home, all he wants to do is scream. 

 

 


	2. The Date

In the coming days, Merlin attempts to live his life normally. He’s even started going with Gwen to yoga to help himself distress. It’s not working. The only times when Merlin truly feels fine are when he’s at work and he’s too busy to remember his own name.  
Unfortunately, today is not one of those days. Merlin keeps cycling from patient to patient and from room to room. This is the third time today that he’s read Gilli’s chart. There’s been no change, with Gilli or any other patient, leaving Merlin with eons of time to think. Merlin smiles at Gilli awkwardly and leaves the room. 

In order to take his mind off of things, Merlin makes his way to the nursing station and tries to keep himself busy by filling out more charts. It’s barely working when he hears his name being called. And shit. He knows that voice. Merlin looks up to see Gwaine walking towards him. Merlin makes sure to grown loud enough for the other man to hear.

“Gwaine, if you’re here about the wedd—“

“I’m not.” Gwaine says. Merlin looks him up and down dubiously. Gwaine smirks like he always does as he continues “I was wondering if you were free tomorrow night. For dinner.” 

Merlin pauses and bites his lip. Is Gwaine really that desperate for him to go? Up until now it had seemed to be somewhat of a joke to him. Let’s see how Arthur responds if Gwaine brings Merlin hahaha, but none of this seems to be a joke. Not anymore. If Gwaine is interested in dinner and all that, then he wants Merlin. Not just Arthur’s ex. 

Merlin suddenly realizes how long it’s actually taking him to respond and he trips over his words when he quickly tries to spit out his response. “I would— I mean— Yes. Dinner sounds great.” Gwaine takes a second before responding and it looks like he’s a little shocked that Merlin agreed, but then it must sink in because Gwaine’s eyes gain a certain brightness and he’s giving Merlin this look. It’s proud and ecstatic and shocked… and content. “I’ll see you at seven.”

Gwaine practically dances out the door. Merlin’s surprised to find out that he feels a little excited. Suddenly, Merlin’s day has completely changed. Scratch that— his month has changed. For weeks Merlin has been dreading the thought of seeing Gwaine but now he’s excited to. The wedding is still something Merlin won’t let himself think about, but everything else has changed. Whether or not he goes to the wedding, he could start seeing Gwaine. 

His heart still belongs to Arthur, as pathetic as that may be, but Merlin’s excited at the thought of seeing someone. He’s seen a few people since his atrocious break up with Arthur, but not enough to make this date seem like it’s not a notable event for Merlin. Because it is and he can’t help but smile when he thinks about it. His smile only expands when he picks up the phone to tell Gwen. 

The next night Merlin is sitting on the couch tapping his feet waiting for Gwaine. It’s 6:30 and Gwaine’s not supposed to arrive for another half an hour but Merlin had been too anxious to sit around so he’d just gotten ready incredibly early. So now here he is a half an hour early staring at the clock like a pathetic desperate loser. And Merlin realizes that he may be all of those things but the least he could do is try not to act like it. 

He sighs and is tempted to talk to himself and to give himself a pep talk but Gwen’s already sitting across from him, shaking from the laughter she’s holding in. Merlin tries his best to glare at her as he mutters a quick “fuck you” but there’s no real feeling behind it. He knows what he looks like and as he imagines it, he begins to laugh a little too. When Gwen sees him laughing she lets herself go before seizing into a manic cackle. As Merlin laughs with Gwen, he loosens up a bit and the clock starts to move a bit faster. When Gwaine comes, Merlin is still nervous but he’s become calm enough that he might not make a complete fool of himself. 

The dinner is incredible. Gwaine takes him to a place that’s way too overpriced but when Merlin comments on it Gwaine just scolds him for even thinking about the prices. It’s just a habit with Merlin coming from a single-parent household and living on a nurse’s salary. Gwaine has never had to worry about money though. His family is well off and he’s a lawyer. Gwaine has probably never even considered the possibility of not being able to afford something in his life. As Merlin looks at the menu again and sees the prices for a second time, Merlin has to scratch his last thought and correct himself. Gwaine has definitely never considered the possibility of not being able to afford something in his life. Merlin then looks back up to his date and he sees the humungous shit-eating grin that the man is almost always wearing. Merlin sits there a tad awkwardly. He and Gwaine talk all the time but not like this. They almost always talk in groups. And they’ve obviously never been in this intimate of an atmosphere before. But then Gwaine starts asking him questions. Real questions. Not just “how’s your day been?” but also “How’s Hunith?” and “How’s Will” and “Tell me more about your job at the hospital.” Merlin answers all of Gwaine’s questions and he of course, asks all about Gwaine’s family and how his life is going. But as his date talks more and more, Merlin starts to realize how good of a guy Gwaine is. He apparently listens to everything Merlin ever says. Merlin’s blushed more than a few times because in the smallest way, Gwaine has just showed how mush he really cares. Merlin sips some more of his wine and loses himself in his night with Gwaine. 

Before he knows it, the car’s parked in front of Merlin’s and it’s time for them both to head back home. “Goodnight, Merlin,” Gwaine whispers and god, that simple phrase is so much hotter than it should be. “’Night, Gwaine.” Merlin whispers back with a slight slur. He may have had a little more wine than he should’ve… 

Gwaine leans in and Merlin lets the man kiss him and it’s sweet and chaste and perfect. But then it’s over and Gwaine’s pulled away. Gwaine smiles at him, waiting for him to get out of the car and go inside but Merlin doesn’t. Merlin leans in and kisses Gwaine. Really kisses him this time. Slow, open mouthed, and dirty. It’s incredible. Gwaine’s incredible. But Merlin needs more. After unbuckling his seat belt, he crawls over until he’s straddling Gwaine. There’s barely enough room for his body between the steering wheel and his date but who cares because this is hot. Gwaine knows exactly what he’s doing. With every movement of Gwaines tongue, or every grind of his body against Merlin’s, Merlin loses himself more. Running his hands through Gwaine's hair while hooking up with him in a car makes Merlin feel like he's fifteen again. He's enjoying every millisecond of it until Gwaine lightly pushes him away. Gwaine's body language makes it clear that it's taking him all of his self control to push Merlin away. Merlin kisses him once more, more innocently this time ,before getting out of the car and watching it drive away.

Merlin hasn’t felt this way in years. After one dinner with Gwaine, a lot had changed. Merlin didn’t exactly have feelings for Gwaine yet but when he looked at him, there was something there. Merlin just looked at Gwaine and he was aware of the fact that he didn’t love him, but something inside he let him know that he could. If he stayed with Gwaine and allowed himself to, he could love the man. He'd by no means forgotten about Arthur, but clearly that ship had sailed. And now here was Gwaine, making Merlin feel kind of ok again. Merlin continued staring down the road, smiling and licking his lips. He could still taste Gwaine, and the taste was absolutely delicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how I'm doing! Even if it is awful


	3. When the Walls Close In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I absolutely suck but I do plan on updating more! I'm here and I haven't forgotten this fic!

Merlin smiles to himself as he listens to shitty 90s music and makes dinner at Gwaine’s flat. He’s not moved in yet but he’s definitely there enough that he has a spare toothbrush residing on the bathroom counter. 

He’s chopping the peppers when he hears his boyfriend walk in. He and Gwaine had only recently made it official, so the excitement of Merlin having a boyfriend at all is still very present. He’s moving on from the peppers and he’s on his toes reaching for a bowl when he feels two arms snake around his waste. He feels Gwaine’s lips on his cheek and smiles. Then Gwaine’s beard is grazing against his skin until the man’s lips reach his ear. “How are you love?”

Before Merlin can answer, Gwaine’s hand starts to massage his groin. His head automatically falls back onto his boyfriend’s shoulder and his hands grip the counter as his breath gets ragged. ‘Gwaine don’t” he whispers even though he loves every second of it, “dinner—“

“Can wait.” Gwaine quips back immediately.

Merlin wants to protest again, but then he feels himself being picked up bridal style and carried into Gwaine’s bedroom. The next thing he knows, he’s on the bed with his muscular boyfriend on top of him, kissing him. From Gwaine’s kiss alone, Merlin has to bite his lip to stop himself from moaning like a whore and it only gets worse when Gwaine moves on to his neck. Some of the moans leak through despite his bite but Merlin’s too into what’s happening to care. Merlin then wraps his arms around Gwaine’s neck and grinds his body against the beefy one above him. 

When Gwaine’s hand finally finds his cock and starts fisting it through his jeans, “Off” is the only thing he can find the capacity to say coherently. When Gwaine doesn’t immediately pull off his pants, Merlin forces his arms to leave Gwaine’s neck so that he can do it himself. The two men both use this pause to strip themselves of all their clothes. The second Merlin is naked, Gwaine is on him again, desperate for Merlin’s touch.

Merlin laughs and giggles against Gwaine’s lips and Gwaine must be aware of his eagerness because he giggles with Merlin as he whispers “I just can’t keep my hands off of you.” The two continue to kiss until Merlin feels Gwaine kiss down his stomach, stopping when he reaches the groin. Gwaine rounds his mouth around Merlin and starts giving some of the best head Merlin’s ever gotten. Gwaine bobs his head back and forth down Merlin’s cock, going a little farther each time until he’s swallowing the entire shaft. All Merlin can do is just lay there, gasping for breath. This continues until he can’t handle the pleasure anymore and pushes Gwaine off. His cheeks get even more scarlet than they already were when he admits “I was gonna come. Sorry…” His eyes wander to the side and he can’t make himself keep eye contact with Gwaine, who simply pulls Merlin’s face into his own in order to kiss the embarrassment away. 

Merlin’s kissed his boyfriend loads but he’s still surprised by each nip of Gwaine’s teeth against his lips. Gwaine kisses alone could make Merlin forget his name. Merlin is in the middle of getting lost in the kiss when he hears the drawer next to the bed open. He looks over to see Gwaine’s hand pull out a bottle of lube. “Is this ok?” he asks tentatively.

Merlin smiles in response before adding “it’s perfect.” The two have fooled around before but Gwaine still get anxious every time. He’s always afraid he’s going too far or being too aggressive. The pop of the bottle opening calls Merlin’s attention back to the situation at hand. Gwaine then appears over him, smiling and nudging his thighs apart. Merlin makes more room for Gwaine’s hand right before he feels a finger enter him all slick with lube. Merlin shuts his eyes and tenses his ass with the initial pain. Then he feels Gwaine’s mouth on his so he kisses back and he can’t help but smile into it. The more Gwaine moves inside him, the more and more pleasure he feels. It’s not long before he’s loose enough to add a second and then a third finger. 

“I’m ready” he whispers after some more preparation. Gwaine doesn’t need to be told twice before he lines himself with Merlin and pushes in. Merlin feels his ass tense and shuts his eyes, anticipating pain. Unexpectedly, a hand wraps around his cock and it feels marvelous. It helps to loosen Merlin up enough for Gwaine to push in until he’s fully inside. Merlin feels his partner continue to pump into him while also giving attention to his cock. Merlin is completely lost in the ecstasy that he’s feeling when Gwaine’s cock starts hitting his prostate. At that moment, stars enter his vision and he loses all control. Instantly, he’s cumming all over himself and the man above him. At the sight of Merlin reaching orgasm, Gwaine loses himself too. Suddenly, Merlin feels spasms inside of him, adding to his high, so much so that he lays there for what seems like forever because he’s lost the ability to function. 

Merlin only comes back to reality and starts to move when Gwaine starts to kiss him. The kiss is sloppy and lazy but Merlin relishes in it all the same. It seems too early when Gwaine pulls away, and he must see the frown on Merlin’s face because he justifies his act with “I’m gonna go finish dinner.” Somehow that seems to make it better because at that moment Merlin realizes he’s starving. Gwaine grabs a pair of boxers and leaves the room. 

Merlin thinks about following him but the thought of leaving bed is just too overwhelming. Merlin lays there and thinks about nothing until he almost falls asleep, but Gwaine’s call for dinner rouses him. He’s tempted to stay where he is but then he remembers the food and moves embarrassingly quickly into the kitchen. There’s not much talking as he and Gwaine have already tired themselves out so the two just focus on scarfing down their pasta and salad. 

It’s not exactly the most elaborate meal the two have had but it does its job and fills them. When the couple has finished, Merlin takes their plates and puts them in the sink to be taken care of later. He’s ready to go find something on tv and veg out but then he notices Gwaine still sitting at the table awkwardly like he’s not ready to move. Merlin takes the hint and sits back to where he was before, across from his boyfriend. Gwaine smiles at him, but its weird, and a little forced, and just so not Gwaine. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Merlin spits out. It comes out a bit meaner than he would’ve liked and he can see Gwaine wince a little when he hears it, but he doesn’t correct himself or apologize. He simply waits for Gwaine to speak.

Gwaine takes Merlin’s hands in his own before looking directly into Merlin’s eyes. “”I haven’t wanted to rush you or pressure you at all but I’ve given you all the time I can” he whispers. “I need to respond to the wedding invitation by two days from now.”

Merlin doesn’t need a mirror to know that he doesn’t react well. He can feel his eyes widen and his knees go slack. He must look like a pathetic, big-earred dear in headlights. 

Gwaine sees Merlin’s response and rubs his thumbs over his knuckles and gives him a small smile. “I don’t need to know right now, but tomorrow when I get home from work should be good.”

“I’ve won’t see you tomorrow. I’ve got the night shift so I will’ve left before you get in.” 

Merlin prays this will get him out of giving an answer by then but Gwaine just replies “Call me from work then, yeah? I really am sorry to do this to you Merlin, I just really would love for you to go with me.” 

Merlin nods and tries to remain calm but he knows he can’t if he continues to think about the absolute mess that is his life, so all he can do is make himself say “let’s go watch telly in bed.” Merlin watches his boyfriend’s face fall a little at the vague statement but Merlin absolutely cannot decide right there and then. Just to try and make things a little lighter he adds “I’ll sleep on it.” Gwaine seems to accept that a little better and senses that Merlin doesn’t have anything else to say, so he grabs the slighter man’s hand and leads him back to the bedroom. Gwaine turns on the highlights to a footie match and normally Merlin would try and watch but tonight his mind just spins. By some miracle he ends up falling asleep on Gwaine’s chest before the program is over. His sleep is restless and he wakes up three different times during the night only to roll over and fall back asleep. The third time is when Gwaine is leaving for work, and Merlin can feel a kiss on his cheek and hear the man whisper “think it over” in his ear but nothing really registers and he’s back asleep before he can form another coherent thought. 

When Merlin wakes up for good at ten in the morning, all he feels like doing is screaming into his pillow. He lies there for a bit hoping to sink into the mattress and die but unfortunately, nothing of the sort occurs. At some point, Merlin finally decides that he has to continue with his life, so he forces himself to get out of bed and make breakfast. All he has is some jam and toast with a cuppa before calling Gwen to discuss the prospective of the wedding one last time. She of course repeats that it’s her wish for him to attend but she does remind him that no one will judge him if he does choose not to. Listening to Gwen’s voice is soothing and it makes Merlin feel slightly better, but she doesn’t say much that is super helpful. 

All day Merlin thinks about how much he wants to go for Gwaine. He knows that Gwaine wants to bring him and show him off, and he doesn’t like to admit it, but he knows that he would even have a little fun. But then he thinks of Arthur and the dread that fills his body at the thought of seeing the prat. All of it makes Merlin feel like overwhelmed and angry.

When Merlin looks at the clock and sees that it’s time to start getting ready for work, he showers, grabs his scrubs, and heads out the door to go to the hospital. In the car he tortures himself some more by trying to decide because he knows he has to call Gwaine soon but he just finds that he can’t. At that point he turns on the radio to give himself some relief, but the song “Don’t” by Ed Sheeran comes on and he takes it as a sign.

“Don’t” he says to himself, “don’t go to Arthur’s wedding.” As the words leave his mouth he feels complete relief. He can go on dating his boyfriend happily and he may never have to see Arthur again. It sounds perfect. 

When Merlin finally does get to the hospital, he does his job more flawlessly than he has in months. Without worrying about the wedding, Merlin is focused but relaxed. It must show because Gaius tells him that he’s doing great. And when Dr. Gaius tells you, that’s when you know. 

After about an hour of being at work, Merlin remembers that he hasn’t called Gwaine so he heads to the nursing station and picks up the phone. The phone only rings twice after dialing, so Gwaine must have been sitting by it waiting for Melrin’s call. Merlin skips hellos and immediately starts to speak. “I’ve made my decision,” he states matter-of-factly, trying not to give anything away.

Merlin can practically feel the anticipation running through Gwaine when he asks, “What is it?”

Merlin smiles and opens his mouth to speak, but then nothing comes out. Because fuck. FUCK. At that moment, of course at that moment, all Merlin can think about is Gwaine going to the wedding. Alone. Gwaine sitting in a limo. Alone. Gwaine staying in his hotel room. Alone. Gwaine watching from the side as all the other couples enjoy the magnificent Pendragon-Nemeth wedding together. Merlin takes a deep breath and wants to punch himself as he starts to speak.

“I’d love to go with you.”


End file.
